I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
