I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize