Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
