and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
