Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
