you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
