And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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