I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
