You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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