I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize