Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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