It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Every concussion has its silver lining
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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