Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize