Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
