Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
