I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
