we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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