I think i sorta joined a cult last night
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I deserve this hangover.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
