i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
