What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
