i barfeds in our rink
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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