I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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