My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
