so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
