It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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