even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Randomize
