She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize