My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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