my phone needs a breathalizer
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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