I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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