you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
