she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize
