I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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