IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
