so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
