My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
This is the high leading the old right now
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
