I'm going to jail i love you
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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