If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
