dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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