I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
