Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
