You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
