I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
