I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
