I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
