you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
