Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
