when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
