Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize