How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
