I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
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