if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
