im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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