I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
