I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
