I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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