I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
