i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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