We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
