I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize