just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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