Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Randomize
