There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
She told me I should be a condom model.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
