Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
