I CAN MOONWALK!
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
