yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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