well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You are the jesus of drinking
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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