listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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