I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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