Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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