she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
